An admission: I cheated on my partner nearly two years ago. We since moved interstate and a few months into our relocation, he left for a few months, as he said he just couldn’t handle it. We where constantly arguing, he was distant and I hated it, he would constantly use what happened in the arguing, I couldn’t say anything and he would just shot me down with the fact that I had cheated, but in less attractive words than that, again which I knew was because he was so hurt by what I had done. He was having dreams about the occurrance and I was becoming increasingly insecure about myself and our relationship, always thinking he was or would cheat on me, it drove us both nuts. Then he left and I was DEVASTATED beyond all belief, but I guess honestly not surprised that it happened, I never thought when he left that he would come back. I missed him every minute of every minute he was gone. He then, after working away for several weeks decided that he wanted to come back and make a fresh start. We in that yera, bought a place, moved in and now we are in the current moment.

Now however I am 5 months pregnant with our child, which was planned and very much wanted by the both of us, but since becoming pregnant and if I am honest when we moved into our house, I have felt increasingly guilty and I ahte myself for what I did to this man, the man that is the love of my life. At the time of cheating, we had been together for about 12mths and we where having massive problems, so much so he buggered off overseas for 3 weeks and left me with 1 weeks notice, we where living together at that point as well. It was when he up and left me alone in the middle of a relationship crisis, guess a turning point, that I cheated. Yes, it was with a person he knew well, which I believe made it worse… I had second thoughts at the time of cheating about how I felt about him, and what direction this relationship was heading, it hurt me and pissed me off that the going got tuff that he jumped on a plane and buggered off, it annoyed me no end, but this is no excuse for me doing what I did.

Anyway, now I feel so guilty, I hate me for what I did. I have been trying soooooo hard to maje everything perfect for him, that I am actually making everything crap…. We have started arguing about silly things, like he doesn’t tell me he loves me every 5mins, I freak, because he is looking at other women I freak and I totally flipped last weekend when I saw he had been watching porn on the computer, though we haven’t been having regular sex for a bit. I just went ballistic at him and said so many stupid things that I wish I hadn’t. When we first got together, these things that I flipped about were things I wouldn’t have bothered about a few of the things we would have shared together. He feels that I am trying to change him, and I guess in a senes I am, but I don’t want to and have no idea why I am????

I have trouble sleeping because of the guilt, I find I over anaylise EVERYTHING he says, does or doesnt do. I have been nagging and nagging for him to ask me to marry him, and I freak that he hasn’t and I am afraid that it is because of what has happened in the past. I am driving him away and myu god I dont want to do that, I love him so much. I went and stayed away for the weekend to give us both some time, me to cool down and think calmly and give him break from my nag nag nag about the same things. I couldn’t deny it anymore, it was staring me in the face that the propblem I was blaming him for was in fact me, I am the problem…. ME ME ME…

I text him and explianed, because at times I get muddled with words and end up getting frustrated, that I had been blaming him for things that infact are my problem, that I had been essentially trying to perfect everything to make him love me again and forgive me for what I had done, that I wasn’t intentioanlly setting out to, but I was controling him and I was sorry. I can’t say that I got a wonderful warm reception from that, but I guess after everything that had been said mybe he needs the time to chew through it. We are talking, not arguing, but I haven’t brought anything up about any of it yet and know that he wont, thought I would give him the time he needs before dreadging it up. I made an appointment today to see a counsellor about these issues, as we are having a baby in 4 months and I think it needs to be sorted for the both of us and especially for the baby’s sake. He loves me I know he does, otherwise he wouldn’t have come back, he doesn’t mention the cheating anymore even during arguments, nope thats what I do… He said that though it did happen, it is no longer part of his life and he has moved on from it, I believe him because he is not a man to lie, he wouldnt be able to live like that with it.

My advice to anyone is, cheating is not worth the thought let alone the act, it just isn’t….. Wether you are no longer in love with the person you are considering cheating on, or you are doing it out of confusion, spite or anger, it simply is just not worth the hurt, pian or guilt that it causes both you and the other. I never thought that I would do that do a person, as I would hate to have it done to me. Though it may not seem like it, I am a nice natured person, I normally would do onto others as I would have others do onto me, but I made a terrible, terrible terrible mistake, a mistake that should have never happened.
I really hate myself for what I have done and know that for 100% I would never make that ame mistake twice, shouldn’t have once…

Mr Sizzle

mrsizzle can be found at http://www.intimacyandsex.com/forum/